Membranous glomerulonephritis. Round 2, Week 46.

Medication: 8mg immunosuppressants (Advagraf), 32mg corticosteroids (Medrol)  and other assorted goodies.

F#CK!

F#CK!

F#CKETI-F#CK-F#CK!!!!!

After easing down to 2mg corticosteroids, 7mg immunosuppressants for several months, a new test showed my kindeys acting up again. Raised it to 4mg corticosteroid, and the proteinuria results still got worse. Now I'm supposed to raise the corticosteroids to 32mg. Just as I was starting to feel normal again. Well, "normal" in any case.

32mg is a Quasimodo meets the Smurfs sitcom. It's Oh-My-God-Can't-Feel-My-Legs and Trippin'-All-Over-The-Place slapstick. 

 I. Do. Not. Have. Time. For. This. Shit!

I'm worried about my job, I'm worried about being a burden to my family,  I'm worried about my sex-life, I'm worried about the baby we had planned never happening - I'm already 36 for God's sake!, I'm worried about not having energy enough to be a present mother for my wonderful teenage daughter, about the rite of passage trip through the U.K. I have planned for next summer for her, I'm worried about my social life, about not being able to be there for my friends, I'm worried about the home improvement plans we have for next year, I'm worried I'm missing something obvious to worry about and that it'll come to bite my ass later.

Do I need to say I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself? That all my zen is gone? That I want to rip apart the Mala bracelet and just scream for as long as I've got breath?
Don't worry, it wont last long. I'll get my shit together, I always do. But right now - this is how I feel.

Sincerely,
Pepsi-Mama