Project "Tablefan"

Before - After

Spraypaint is fantastic. 

Sincerely,

Pepsi-Mama

Project "Hallway" revisited

I've completely changed my mind... again. This is what I should do with the hallway:

I just have to wait for my next wave of energy.

Sincerely,

Pepsi-Mama

Project "Hallway"

When I bought our house in 2011, we renovated our hearts out. But somehow, the hallway was forgotten. Until this week.

Originally it was painted a porncave velvety brownish-red, as though someone had been murdered in there and instead of cleaning up the evidence, some lazyass just smeared the blood and gore all over. *Shudder*
In our hurry to get on with the other rooms, we quick-fixed it. White paint and cheap lighting, which by the way is still hanging there, threatening to fall down anytime someone slams the frontdoor shut.
(Note to self: Get on that, pronto!)

Well, this week I finally got tired of looking at it. Anemic, impractical, boring, every smudgy fingerprint clearly visible. I couldn't take it anymore!

Left to do is to change the frontdoor completely. We know the model we want, but now I'm stuck on color. White seems so boring. I'm thinking black? Maybe dark granite grey? Any ideas?

This is the model we're getting. 

Wanting happiness

A while ago I saw this picture floating around the internet:

This is not an actual quote people, the Buddha didn't actually say this, but it gets the point across.

I like the picture, it's simple and it gets the point across. Happiness honestly comes down to those two things. Every selfhelp site on the web already know this, but it is usually phrased in the style of  "stop being selfish", "concentrate on others", "count your blessings", "see the possibilities", "let go of anger" or "stay in the moment". Those are all platitudes, describing some of the End Results rather than the How To.

So then, if it really is that easy to be happy... why aren't we?

First step - what's ego? And how does one go about removing it?

I really couldn't give you an honest answer to that even if I tried. All I can say is that it has to do with our preconceived notions of our selves. I for example had always had the notion of being a kind, smart and beautiful person. (Well, don't we all? You're telling me you're dumb, evil and ugly??)
School, IQ tests and university told me so, my parents told me so, the mirror and the beauty magazines told me so. But once I realized all that they had been telling me was that I was a push-over, really good at processing data, and that I stood up OK in comparison to the current picture of beauty, what was I left with? Empty handed, that's what. Doormats and desperately needed to be loved persons are kind as well, not protesting being stepped on. Computers can process data faster than I, not to mention the even smarter people who've written the programs. Outer beauty is not constant, it peeks for most during late teens to late twenties, because that's when we're most fertile. I had believed in the hype all my life.

So I had to start over. Am I really smart? Heck no! We all know there's more to being smart than the ability to be able to grind, digest and spit out data.
Am I pretty? On the outside? Who cares?! Why is it even important? What does it accomplish? Beauty standards change all the time, and so do you with age. Some days I compare, others not so much.
Am I kind? Well turns out, once I had grown a pair - kind of, but not all the time. I try to be polite though, no need to spread negativity around.

Ego's hard to get rid of. In fact, you'll probably never get rid of all your preconceived notions of self, and even if you at one point do, you'll still have to watch out for fall-backs. You've been thinking one thing all your life, believed in it fullheartedly, so breaking out of old thinking habits require constant vigilance. And if there's one thing to be said about being human, it's that we're not constant in any way, and concentrating deeply on something  lasts what? 10 minutes?

Removing the ego and the desire, or as I like to call it, rethinking everything on your own again - now that's the tricky part. Meditation helped me (some, still got some work to do) break the patterns of thinking that do not serve me on the quest for happiness, but which rather serves to cling to the first part of the problem; ego. 

Once ego is set aside, desire has nothing to cling to, so you're getting rid of both steps at once. So start thinking. Who do you think you are? Why do you believe that? Who told you, and why did they tell you? Got any proof that it's the exhaustive truth? Does it matter if you're not? To whom does it matter, and why? Keep digging with questions like that! The topics to cover are endless.

I found that once I got to the bottom of who I really was, I could let go of the hang ups that were holding me back from being truly happy and content. (Yes, *Sigh*,  I know this sounds unbelievably conceited). I'm a deeply flawed individual, but by realizing that, I could accept what really is, not keep fighting and faking my reality into something it is not. I could stop appearing happy, chasing happy, faking happy -  and instead actually just be happy.

Sincerely,
Pepsi-Mama

Membranous glomerulonephritis. Round 2. Week 5.

Medication: 200mg cytotoxins (Cyclosporin), 64mg cortisone and other assorted goodies.

I'm having serious trouble sleeping, so I'm back. This is the third night I'm up at five in the morning NOT HAVING SLEPT YET ALL DAY. These meds are going to send me to the loonybin in a matter of days if this continues.

I'm seriously contemplating just letting go of having a "schedule", or maybe changing the time I take my meds. Maybe pills in the afternoon and late mornings would work better, match my activities better with the rest of the family? I'll figure it out somehow. It being the weekend, and the family being around all day constantly distracting my short attention span has probably just taken its course. 

Have you ever noticed how sometimes something happens, and then there's just more of the same all day? No chance of stopping it? Like the phone, one day ringing all day to the point where you just want to throw it against the wall so it would shut the fuck up, just to be completely dead and quiet for days afterwards? Today's been one of those days. 

*It's been lovely, but I have to scream now*

Whatever the reason, here I am, five in the morning with a cup of tea and a whirlwind mind. The ''ideas and to-do list'' I've conjured the last hour has 23 items on it, and it keeps getting longer. I've always done my best thinking at night anyway. It's finally quiet enough to hear yourself thinking.

Oh yeah, this post is supposed to be about the Membranous glomerulonephritis, so I'll try to update you on something more relevant than my middle of the night ramblings. Here goes: I 'm pretty sure I have a throat infection. So much for preventative antibiotics, huh? 

The swelling is now affecting my eyes, the pressure to them is tangible. It's pretty bad around my throat and neck as well, I'm getting trouble turning my head to the side and finding a comfortable position on my pillow at night.

Aaaand my period is early, and completely weird. Add medically induced skinsensitivity into your nether-regions on top of the natural sensitivity some women experience during menstruation and you've got me;  buying tonnes of the softest babywipes available instead of regular toilet paper and a bad attitude on top of that. During Round One I stopped menstruating completely, but I do not remember being affected this early on. But don't worry, it'll come back to haunt you when you're well again.

Looking into a mirror is now a daily horror show. Remember how I warned you to get the tweezers out? Forget that, I'm now shaving daily, shaving cream and all. Today I discovered that I've started growing whiskers on the top of my cheekbones, and my eyebrow hair has started taking on the texture of old men's nosehair; 2 cm long, white like glass and rigid as hell.

I'm also sniffling like crazy. I think it's my brain leaking out.

Me at the end of week 5.
You probably won't believe me, but the swelling WILL get worse.

Sincerely,

Pepsi-Mama

Project "Outside"

House and barn decorated for Christmas. The heart was made for  Spring and Autumn.

Lanterns and chime in the apple tree. Battery driven lights.
I tried, but the picture does not do it justice. 

Project "Fleemarket makeovers"

4 € at the fleemarket. Otherwise ugly as hell wooden bowl and candle holders,
given new life by repainting them in  high gloss black. Kitschy!

Project "Pringles"

Project "Window"

Bedroom Before.

Restored an old windowframe, painted it highgloss black and stuck text on it.

Membranous glomerulonephritis. Round 2. Week 4.

End of week 3 on medication. Bib and hamster cheeks galore :)

Week 4:

Medication: 200mg cytotoxins (Cyclosporin), 64mg cortisone and other assorted goodies.

My doctor called after a series of tests. There weren't enough cytotoxins in my system, so we've added another 50mg. He didn't mention lowering the cortisone as planned, so I guess the time frame we initially discussed is delayed.

Week four, the side effects: I sleep 4-6 hours per night. Dryness and strange taste in mouth. Mood swings, easy bruising, and more swelling. My face literally feels like it's in a pressure-cooker. The added cytotoxins burns in my veins, it feels like my blood is cooking or something. It'll pass once I get used to the dosage, but it is one of the side effects I have forgotten to describe earlier. I've also experienced some aching of the joints, particularly my knees and ankles. It could have something to do with my muscle mass, which weren't restored from Round One, now starting to run on empty and me overdoing it. I'm not sure.

I'm still chatty as hell and quite manic.

This is pretty much what my schedule looks like at the moment:

06-07:00: I wake up

10:00: Take my meds

12:00: Nausea, cold sweats, weakness

14-16:00: Nap

22:00: Take my meds

24:00: Nausea, cold sweats, weakness

01-02:00: Fall asleep

Tip: If you have a full day planned, set aside the next one for nothing but taking it easy. You'll need to recharge.

If you're not receiving preventative antibiotics of some kind, you will be more receptive to fungi infections. Check your toes, your crotch, armpits, under the breasts and mouth. Make sure you're completely dried off after a shower, maybe even walk around in your birthday suit a while ;) There are prescription free salves at your pharmacy.

Mental health: Getting depressed could be so easy, if you'd let it. Which we won't! Here are some of my feelgood tips: 

• Skip the chores at home which you find tedious and indulge in whatever you feel like doing. Being at home does not a domestic slave make. 
• Play corny, but happy music on high volume. Bananarama, BeeGee's, Katrina and the waves. Pretty much anything from the 1980's is good fun. Disco too. Sing along!
• Socialize. Never mind the way you look. Your friends and family already know your particular type of  crazy. Now your outside just matches what they knew was on the inside.
• Other people's remarks. No doubt, someone is going to hurt your feelings one way or the other. You being so obviously sick scares immature and ignorant people, and reminds them of their own mortality. Quietly wish them a healthy dose of personal growth, not to hell. Be better, not bitter.
• Keep busy. Pinterest is good for a shitload of ideas.
• Take self portraits. They're no fun to look at now, but with distance you're going to appreciate having proof of what you've gone through. Don't believe me? Take a look at this one from Round One: 

Hot Damn, I couldn't be more gorgeous :)

Moving on to more serious things: I've mentioned the importance of moisturizing before. The reason for this is not only the annoying skin sensitivity. Cortisone makes you swell up like a pig, and the longer you're on cortisone, the more you will swell. The change is quick, and your skin, if anything like mine, won't be able to keep up. The results: Stretchmarks. I wasn't warned about this during Round One. My doctor's only warnings were: “Your immune system will suffer, you'll be a little disoriented and experience some swelling. Stay away from salt, stop smoking and loose some weight.”

So, needless to say, my first set of treatment with cortisone ripped my skin open like crazy. On the shoulders, under my arms especially, behind the knees, and on my upper abdomen. I wear my childbearing stretchmarks proudly, mother nature gave me those for a purpose. I'm not so crazy about this second set of scarring.

The scars  on my shoulders. There are a few more on the back, but they are smaller.

The stretchmarks start at the lower end of my breasts,
 goes up under the armpit, arm and continues almost all the way to my elbow.

By now, I think I've covered pretty much the basics, and there will be just more of the same for as long as I'm on medication, so my posts on Membranous glomerulonephritis, Round 2, will dry up a bit. I will post sporadically if something comes up, and when it's time to cut down on the medication I'll be back with posts on the withdrawal symptoms. Yes, there are those to battle a well. 

Until then I'll leave you with a before and after picture of me. Day One and by the end of the fourth week on meds. It ain't pretty, but it's true. :S

4 weeks of medication and swelling.

Take care, and don't be too shy to be in contact should you have any questions!

Sincerely,

Pepsi-Mama